blah. i'm leaving tho. wishing sometimes ppl wouldn't worry so much. .but i guess it's cause they care. i care too. sacramento is my home, and i guess that means i will be back here. i know deep down what i'm gonna do. leaving to "travel". . a scary feeling, but it's nice to be free like that. this all seems so sad, but i'm doing great.
whoa.. my specially order hot pink plugs are finally here. . and my moog should be back from the shop. yes. i'm so excited.. if not fr the plugs, but the moog. i miss that thing. it's been like almost three weeks.. that's silly. it better not cost that much either.
i found out today that i won't have my job when i come back from travelling.. i'll have to reapply and all that stuff.. i guess that's ok, but it just sounds bad. it made me feel like they didn't like me, but that's just policy. pretty basic, but seeing how i got fired from my only other job, i wouldn't know. work, i guess it's not that bad, but i just like want to be doing this year round.
time to call jamie, i haven't talked to her in since sunday. hah.
new love fr today: the faint.
i'm feeling good abt leaving. it's nice to be able to do that. . i guess it's not as easy fr most ppl. i think i'm afraid of not being lost, but being left all by myself. it was ok on my first trip, but it's the company thing, i like company sometimes. surprising.
going to morning classes half asleep.. even better. the fact that i do most of my zine writing in class says something already . . i'm not the one fr classes, and it's time to leave. i wish i was more fucking metal sometimes. hah.
i saw my friend jon from anguish unsaid.. trying to push him a little further into reading more on radical politics. . even tho it wasn't very radical of me seeing him at borders.. i go there to read. if i can just reach one person with how i feel abt the world, and my politics and beliefs, then i've done good. sometimes i don't feel too much like an activist anymore. personal politics, and pushing that can do a big difference tho. . have two separate political conversations in one day. . yes.
food not bombs sunday, you should check out what you got going in yr town. time to eat my dinner at eleven thirty at nite. . now that's rock.
hi i'm david.. and this is team rock. . i know, it sounds better when johnny knoxville does his thing. listen to the vss fr me.
oh man, today i got all ready and decided,"im gonna go to longs and get some film for my izone." so i walk there, two miles walk, and then there are these people who felt like doing all their christmas shopping at longs and to take it to the photo deptartment to pay right in front on me. im all ready to pull out a gun and start shooting because earlier the mailman was real afraid of me for some reason and held tight to his mase ready to spray as if i was ready to attack(i bet he didnt expect to see my face, i look what? ten?) and then later some stupids honk at me, mexicans, how did they even know i was girl? i had a hat on and everything, it was the thighs, oh man....but i didnt shoot anyone because i had no gun, so i patientyly waited.. so i get up to the register finally and i ask the lady,"do you have any izone polariod film"" "no, we just ran out." so im a bit angered by this disappointing news, yeah, you beter, and then my mom picks me up. i love my mom. she told me izone film was at costco. nothing better than cheap and in bulk.
getting home i looked at the mail and i got a package. i didnt even expect anything today. gosh, i love canadians. dearest shawn sent me tapes of his old band, locust 3" and pin, some fun games and a spoon! oh, i was so happy by this. thanks to shawn im alive now instead of being deflated from a potential burstation. so i call mikl because i told i him i would and he just tells me that him and david are wearing eyeliner and that their girls are sick so theyre just trying to figure out what to do and im just fixing dinner then hang up. later sisqo comes on tv, so i call him up again,"do you have mtv? the thong song!" he had never herad it so i thought,"heck, heres his oppuritunity!" and it just turns out that he does not have mtv. i wish i didnt have mtv. maybe i would have done something with my time instead of wondering what johnny knoxville was going to do next and being annoyed with julie on the real world. i still have a lot of homework to do... i have tons of reading. i better do that now.
bands that make me angry right now: spazz, sea & cake, her space holiday, godspeed you black emperor!
bands that make me happy right now: the faint, locust, orchid, madonna, crimson curse
goodnight to all the precious darlings.
i was listening to a soul decision MP3. if you know this band, you are probably about to kill me. but their hit song really is catchy. and as filthy as the lyrics are, i can't help thinking it's... oh... provocative... in a gum pop way.
my new kitty is hissing at me less and less. i adopted her this morning. she's so pretty, but she won't let anyone hold her just yet. i can understand.
so, are we "blogging" between 5 people? or to the existing universe?
i was eating some christmas cookies. and listening to the secret stars.
i adopted a kitty this morning. she is eight years old. i want to carry her
around on my back. i feel all dizzy, like i might fall right off of this here
chair. jamie mentioned the peanuts videos and now i want to go rent one,
but the man at the video store says that i cannot every come back to
his store. i have a crush on tara subkoff. swoon.
this is gonna hit the ground running soon. soon. i can feel it.. but still, i'm not expecting too much. it'll be fun. and yet we have more members of team rock coming. it'll be fun. soon.. we'll be at five team members. yes.
blogger is working, and i'm excited to get this new website rolling. there's still a few days.. or maybe a week until i actually unveil this mess. great, it's gonna be great. this is the beginning my five day weekend.. or four, i think. i wonder if i'm gonna do what i set out to do.. record. i'm always a little scared, but i have to do it.
i'm staring out the window of this. it's been a little different not having timmy and jayna within arms reach. i see myself sitting here more often, sitting at home often, and actually enjoying this all. sitting at home by myself. it's fun. i wish i didn't see this all as apathy towards ppl. i guess that was the reason i didn't used to frequent the outside as much.
food not bombs wednesday went pretty good. i've been forgetting the stuff i packaged fr myself lately. first some fake meat stuff, now portabella mushrooms. i'm trying to become quite the cook. trying. i have these vegan muffins, cookies, and cake here from my baking tyrade on monday. how cute, i baked cookies with my mom. she did insist on helping.
i'm afraid of everything. . and i'm still afraid of death. i'm waiting to get online since someone is using the phone. typing all this in notepad. i've been having panic attacks tho.. at work, and just out of nowhere. the chilling effect of knowing someday i'm gonna go away.. anyday now. any day now, i can just dissappear. i see i have to just live all this up, and take everything in.
i'm worried abt myself sometimes. i know i get myself into situations i shouldn't deal with sometimes, but i have perseverance. i have dreams.. i guess. until i can't do it anymore, i guess there's always gonna be the whole thing with me putting my heart on the line.. that's all i can do.. geez, i'll keep it to myself since no one really does want to listen.
i got bored and i rode my bike to manic music and hung out there fr two hours. came out of the deal with a camera obsura cd . .mohinder lp, anasazi, and my brandtson, and atdi cds cleaned. hot. today is just the music day, with the locust and jenny piccolo stuff coming in the mail. . so exciting. i wish i was a mail queen as jamie is. . i just lost it. i remember the days when i was a thriving zine kid. those days.. it seems like just . .a few months ago.. or something. it was.
the postal services... im gonna have to make sure i live somewhere within walking distance of a post office. i love mail. i thrive postally. its just a great thing to open the mailbox and see an envelope with my name on it and love poking the sides. oooo, i like the mail. today i spent forty dollars so i can get a big box in the mail. you know what really ruins it for me? cable internet connection. no, its great having lightning fast connecting and all that jazz, but what i did with this precious blessing is even worse. i was watching videos all day, and i watched that grade video. ok, first mistake. grade. i should've just cringed and that was the end, not actually click and watch half of the stupid video. well, anyway, grade can die, stupid scensters. their whole video was just this cute chick around her apartment listening to a mix tape she got in the mail. really dumb and that ugly singer of theirs trying to look cute. he's not cute.... oh my goodness, he is not. so anyway, i feel real dumb sometimes dealing with mail now. like only scensters like getting mail. so to redeem myself and being a normal person, i put sixteen cds on skylab and sent some mail out to my friend from school who is dating a boy that works a trader joe's and she met off the internet! (jamie hill forever! she lives by an airport.)
ok, my hair is really bothering me and i can feel myself getting fatter.
tomorrow i have no school. celebration, rejoicement, and tears. i'm going to catch up with homework, send out part two to two packages, and finish the faint dance. im really beginning to love dance now. its what i want to do now. too bad i have to sacrifice dance class for dance and saturday nights. oh well, small sacrifice i say.
ok, i cant spend too much time here because i have a dress to sew and tommy boy to watch. i remember when i thought i was going to wed chris farley. then i found out how he really was and got mad at him. i think im gonna go to savers tomorrow. pick me up a white turtleneck and a flamboient christmas sweater. it'd be great going to school in that on monday. just stunning.
goodnight my dearies.
a lot of people have been worried about me lately. i dont know why, but they just carefully check up on me,"hey. are you doing ok? feeling alright? good. just want to know you're ok." teachers, friends, lady at the post office... hah, no! its getting late and i still haven't gone to bed...i've felt like sleeping since the moment i woke up at five thirty. bleh, i dressed pretty stupid today.
ugh! christmas is coming up! im getting tense already. my mom asked me why i dread it and i said that its not so much stress for me, but just feeling everyone's tenseness around me gets me more worked up than if i actually had a reason. i dont want to get anyone gifts, i feel like i've been too detached to even have the honor of giving them. im just going to make special packs for the ones i am close to and not to the detached thing and go out to costco and get gifts in bulk. that's just embarrassing. costco is almost embarrassing. but i know im going to be a member when i grow up, shoot, think of all that money im gonna save. but geeze... the sizes of the bottles and jars and everything... gigantic.
ok, i better get this in before the eve is over...davey havoc is on amigothornot.com and so is my friend paul! vote for paul! goth 10!
http://www.amigothornot.com/r/?eid=ODED&key=NJVSU
the time has come. i am somewhat getting tired of my music collection. yes, i never thought it'd happen, but it's scary. i know i'm not gonna start over just cause i've spent so much money in it. i guess i'll just have to keep discovering the fact that there's more stuff out there. more bands to listen to and fixate on. while the band of the week this week, is at the drive-in. heh.
when i actually update the links and everything on my site, this will be hot. finally, the ppl will reading this, and not just trying to see the stuff that once was on my site. team rock.. almost in full effect. i'm ready to start sharing, and being out there anymore.
i get really worried abt the welfare of my friends sometimes. when they get down, and out.. but i know, somehow, i'm in the same situation as they are .. even at the point and time. i just get worried abt the fact that hearts are being broken, and i can't do anything it. my heart being one of those along the line too, but i just shake it off. i've been one of those to just move on. it's been a while since it's happened, but, yes.. let's keep it that way.
i miss my moog. i can't believe they still have it at the shop. going on two weeks as of tomorrow. it's just another thing to worry abt. hah, and the fact that my pink plugs that i special ordered aren't in yet.. hah. just like i mentioned, it's the little things too.. but they don't really matter in the big picture.
jamie o. forever..
so yesterday i didnt go to school. i just slept instead. i havent been doing so good with the whole sleep scene. no no no. i feel real bad about missing school so much lately, so i wrote my teachers a little letter to keep them updated with my life and to have them pray for things in my life, like sleep for one. i also apologizing for not warming the desk i was assigned to on a daily basis. i told them the truth. i like that. i like truth tons. thats why i like being friends with mikl so much. truth is now pretty much an unsaid rule for us to maintain our friendship. haha, we're gonna have some good fights.
anyway, despite my absence of school, i did go for dance. oh man! im so excited for dance! im in four whole dances. ok, this is really embarrassing. the dance show is called: emotions. the emotions i am potraying are: JOY, SADNESS, PAIN, and ANGER. i wouldnt have figured me for any of those emotional prototypes. most of the time i just walk around with a blank face. if i saw myself id probably just laugh. so i think im going to do another change of some sort. theres so much change going on anyway.
oh wow! i just got the mail and i got pack from david: cookies, tapes, and those nasty pictures we took at the pokemon booth. and! david's belt buckle i ordered for him with a poster, ring, compact, and powerpuff girl tattoos. jp's girlfriend is so cute. im gonna save these cookies for lunch tomorrow, hah, they're heart and star shaped.
today i went to school. yes. i dont know whats going on with that. i was doing real good there for a while, reading zines in class and getting a's, but missing school just sucks. too much. but i like sleeping, but by staying at home to try and catch up with life seems like prolonging it a bit more and making a bit more of a headache than to start with. hah, at the end of chapel today one the teachers' boyfriend came up and he proposed. she said yes, of course, and everyone rose and clapped for them. i just covered my face and ducked. another funny thing, this kid that normally wears tshirt and jeans dressed pretty g-like. at first i had to look twice, "oh what?" and it's just pretty funny because sunday i was telling david since i've been going to school to see a nice dressed boy in baggy jeans and the fubu wear and the studded earrings and the whole wu look....i find that to be highly attractive now. and this kid did it right. it was great. tomorrow i think i want to dress up like a gypsy. but tonight i think i want to catch up on some reading and add on to my personal dance to the passives.
reading david's zines, and then his dear suzanne's zines makes me want to do a zine. that one i did...was so embarassing. i was fourteen. i can justify it. it was just stupidity. hah. well, now i am fifteen and hoping i can do a good job. i still remember telling dave i would write something for tremors, maybe i'll do that before anything to with mine then. jackie and i were gonna get cooking together...but i havent talked to her in so long. maybe i'll give her a call. zines are good only if they are cute. not too cute... im sick of all this emo cuteness with the little kid stuff. i got powerpuff girl tattoos from the locust mailorder, that's disappointing!
im fifteen. this is my life and its sick.
((oh wow, now this is working all nice!
hello, i am jamie o!))
i'm exhausted. i just kinda ended my day a few minutes ago with dinner. it's just been work all day.. not work like at my job or anything, but it was that, then food not bombs, then some other community work i had to do with timmy here at home. geez, a 12 hour day right there, but it's been ok after all, and that's what matters.
let's wonder abt the marvels of mixtapes fr a while. yay. i wish i got a few more here.. if it's one thing that can make me happy, it's new music. kinda bad in a way, but it's kinda like if there's five things i know.. or twenty, that's one i know well. you know, typical scenester crap. heh. playing now, the cost. . weird how they do cover alot of genres of music.. punk now, hardcore a second ago..i don't know abt that.
in an attempt of posting everyday, here's today.
i hope i can get this site running soon. soon.. this test might be ok.. but the ideas are just piling in. it's still the realization that almost everything has been done.. that's what is bugging me. i'm sure it'll be ok tho.
as fr now.. the locust rock.. and let me finish watching this video.
an email is being sent to best friend now. . just to let her know. . "i met dennis and we rocked together.. i'm coming to atdi on saturday. i love you jamie o!"
i see this increased reasoning fr me to just get out of sacramento. let's see.. what is there... the two venues that are run by just ppl that care abt money, and not the scene, the kids around that don't give a fuck abt anything else that matters, and just .. i don't know. i hate to sound so lame abt it, but i'm doing what i can. i try, but i just don't get back really. trying my best, i'll see what i can do. we'll see how this leaving sacramento thing goes and all.
thanks fr making my day dennis, and kelly fr hooking me up with the atdi ticket. exciting.. i guess i can almost get too excited, but that's just how fun the day has been. of course, that and getting too full with vegan goodies on the way to the show. i love you dennis. =)
.listening.to.cattle.decapitation and armitron
what should i do with my site next. i need to update, but it's just the last format didn't quite work out. the ezine indie rock phase has just gotten way too big fr me to be a part of. why should i contend, i have no need to. while i'm still secretly worrying abt hits, i should be doing this all fr myself, as a learning thing. i'm jumping on the blogger bandwagon, come keep me company.
while the motivation is here, i should get at it. i think i'll keep this one short fr now. i have love to mail out.
>> > >listening to>>deimos - digital black
i played today with my friend matt. amazing. i wish i could just do this all day. it seems like since timmy had to move the other day.. (earlier in the week i should say), the whole music void just needed to be filled. like i said earlier, it's just crazy to think abt how my life has changed.. just a little due to two kids that i usually hang out with on an almost daily basis moving somewhere.. somewhere.
always.. singing at a live show.. or just anything on a recording, sounds the same. kinda understand what i'm saying? i bet now.. heh.
umm, i've been thinking of just discontinuing the whole writing thing, or at least zine writing, but it just doesn't seem right. i'm having so much fun doing this. i get frustrated alot, but that's not the case.. i don't think. frustrated abt just little things. that's life tho, and this all is a documentation of mine. it may not seem as interesting as it was, or can be, but this means alot, and it's always great to share this all.
[spinning currently | braid - live double lp]
fortunate then? yeah.. whatever.
so i guess by being a college student.. you're part of the lower class now. yeah. i get it. pardon me if i ever tell you to fuck off.
what's this today? no work tomorrow, and a nitch to record. maybe i will do it. there's nothing stopping me of course, and it's just the sense of me having something to prove, as well as wanting to share. again. challenging myself to see if i can do it. i bet if i stay home long enough, or just isolate myself long enough, it'll get to me enough fr my to write some good stuff. right now, i'm just to the point where it seems like there's no one there, just due to the fact that my friends aren't as easily accesible as they can be. there's no house two blocks away where i can just drop in any time. there's no more.. what seems to have been one of the best things that have ever happened.. possibly.. is gone. things change, and i just have to realize that.
i've got to be able to handle things better by myself.. without the aid of others. i wish i can be as .. i wish i remember the word.. but i don't. i don't know what to say. maybe if there was just something else.. someone here. now. now. i'm tired of this same old shit.. i'm tired of this same old heart shattering drama.. or just what is the remains of it.
sometime i won't be afraid ever to tell someone how i feel.Ê sometime.. i'll
be gutsy enough to be flat out honest, and not make up all these little
detailed ways of telling ppl things.Ê but i guess this is the fun in it all.
getting jittery on the way to her work.. and not knowing what to say as you
stand there. . looking away a little when you think she's looking yr way,
then saying hello.Ê soft spoken.. in the sense of the cute kid that comes to
visit.
everything dramatic or just borderline dramatic seems like such a big deal
to me.Ê everything little detail.Ê it all decides my fate.Ê i guess i
realized tho, that in a big sense, it's not only i, myself that shape how i
feel as a whole, or the person i'm carefull chasing after.. it may as well
be my friends.. the best friends that take a dive fr you.Ê another reason to
stay, but why can't i just take everything with me.
when i feel the slightest feeling of depression, or when things don't seem
ok, i want to leave.Ê i want to run to some faraway land or just some place
not called sacramento.Ê a little too much seems to have happened here.
memories not to be forgotten as you walk by the places that once were..
.when things just go good, you know there's no where else to go.. and things
just get worse from there.Ê there's never any other place to go but down in
that situation.
i'm stuck in the whol rut of not feeling like a zine kid. not feeling like anything. wake up, work, come home.. and over again. i feel like i'm doing what i'm supposed to do. .sometimes, but i don't even think i really wanto feel that way. it'd be worse if i had to take more than the one class i'm taking.. i don't even like being in one. it's the whole school thing that gives me the chills sometimes. then i wonder.. is the path i'm taking the right one.. and will it pay off later. why am i so worried? i've already got the idea that i need money to survive instilled in my head. . that's the scary part. thinking i need all these things when i don't.
