so 4 thrift stores later, and 30 miles travelled yesterday, i got myself two coats. it was worth it i guess, spending quality time with my mom. . i didn't think i was gonna be able to get one, and that was one of the things i was slightly worried abt last week.
so the locust is playing two nites in a row in te bay area, and i guess they are both all ages. rock. all this money being spent to see bands tho, i don't know. i don't know yo. anyways, i almost forgot, i have to be somewhere. . i have to be cooking fr the revolution. i'll check back in later if i can. remember, don't drink and climb. . .i don't want to see another pole climbing disaster like last year.
i dont like the feeling of waking up and just wanting to go back to sleep. i don't want to get up these days, and things are just too much fr me sometimes. there's too much to think abt, and not enough ppl to talk to. i'm ready fr this to end, i'm ready fr the end.
work has been getting worse and worse. machines aren't running and deciding to take breaks when we need them the most, and customers just coming and coming. we can't do anything ourselves.. the boss doesn't want to hire someone else to fix it, so we're just basically gambling on the chances of our machine working on a day to basis. that's not right. i'm ready to quit .. . 15 more days, which is basically 8 more days.
i'm still sick, and i can't record or write songs like this. blah. i'll try to work on it a little more, but it seems like i'm to the point where i don't care if i take cold medicine or not. i've been pretty non western medicine fr the past couple of years, but this is ridiculous.
school work work.die. i don't want to live that life.
this is dumb. i need Jesus, again...why did i ever stop.
my ventures fr a big coat have been leading me to bike crashes and thin coats. is it because california isn't a place where ppl have big coats. i hope i find one before i leave fr the east.. being that is my main concern right now. hah, and apparently, i dreamt that i couldn't use my phone in hong kong. .hah, apparently, that's a hidden concern of mine. scary.
everything is coming close. i'm going into the studio to record sometime before i leave, and i'm still sick. it's not good, and i'm not happy abt it all. i have faith in myself.. i'll get better, it's just a matter of time anyways. this just isn't cool.
i woke up late today, so i have to get going. work work, play play. rock rock.
>>listening to today .. angel hair.
i try ti figure out what is making me so stressed, and i come off like this, but i haven't yet. i rode my bike with my headphones going to open mic trying. .thinking abt it, but no go. i think i just have to start setting my mind up to where i can get things done more productively. it'll work out. oh yeah, i got to rock tonite. sacramento and that capitol garage open mic is all abt improv noise and grind shows . . grind when it comes to me and timmy. but i'm more so on to the whole spazzy drum and screaming.
i love it when i make the least sense possible. at least i started writing in my journal again, so there is more to be said.
(i should have never picked up the solataire game.)
my friend dave is gonna help me record, and put our stuff out there. yes, this is gonna be the beginning of the rock. i just need to get a little better so i can feel good abt writing songs again. i think i jinxed myself this winter when i was stoked abt not getting sick at all. . stupid me.
my friends are leaving me behind to go to portland today. like always.. it's happened numerous times already throughout the course of the past few years, but this time, when they come back, i'll be gone. as the days wind down, there's just less and less things i'm leaving behind, and more negatives feelings. things are ok here.
still, the band of last week and this week, the blood brothers . . oh yeah, and rocking me through the holidays, the vogue it's been a good week fr music.
i want to finish this zine before i leave in a month. i want to get these things done, but i know i wont. i know almost fr sure i won't finish my recording sessions cause i'm flaky like that, and i know i won't get much of other stuff done cause i've simply lost motivation fr alot of stuff, but with my pessimistic thinking. .heh, i won't get any of this done. i guess i just have to think better.
oh yeah.. happy holidaying .
i made a tape that i hope will change someone's life. i've been thinking just how brutal it is. . and how hardhitting it can possibly be if taken the right way. my friend dave got me a cd player in return fr me making him a tape. .and his request was just political music. i got that in the from of hardcore and .. i think personally, that it'll be a nice gift fr him tomorrow. refused, the swarm, boy sets fire . .charles bronson, propagandhi. he mentioned to me to make the tape thinking that i'm trying to introduce him to something new. .well, i hope this does it, and i hope it sticks, cause i did put my heart into the project.
two tapes, one day, two gifts . .and hopefully, two happy boys by tomorrow. not just because it's that holiday thing going on, but it's because i give back when ppl care to give to me.
yay, david is using the izone i got him. that is love, baby. (david wilson says that "baby" is rock n roll. my butt.)
mikl is coming in a week. the 29th. thats a big day. i feel like i am part of a sad drama. or like i am some evil organization, taking a precious boy out of his smalltown and bringing him into my hectic life. how am i going to make this work the opposite? i dont know, i know God can do it. i haven't been depending on him in a while. it's dumb of me. it's not fun. i feel like this can be a mistake...but too many people have discouraged it that i am going to make it work. i am a bit afraid...but i have to do things like this. i might not really have any idea of what i am doing, but i know what i have to do. aah, im making this sound like a complex project. maybe being a friend is a bit more than we make it....or maybe i made things to make it like this. ack either way. the 29th, i hope it's my favorite day.
so tonight i went with kelly and she got bought nate a little turtle. nate was just trying to sop it so much but im sure he is still right now trying to grab it,"i have a turtle. kelly gave me a turtle." since kittens were out, turtle is in...a cardboard box. so nate got a turtle, and christina is sick and dave has a mullet. (hehe, kelly cut mine off.) yeah, i ate a lot. whenever i am around kelly i find myself eating tons and having a stomach ache for days following. i've been around kelly the past three days...ouch. so we kicked it at christina's and it was real nice i think. then i got home and did the dishes for my mom, i hope she likes it...there was lots of chocolate crud on everything. my mom is cute, dipping already-made cookies in chocolate. its cute. hah.
i hope david got both of the boxes i sent him. he's the only one i really wanted to buy a gift for (except mikl...but i have sell that sucka's stuff, silly kid) and it's not really christmas-y special at all, but just because i have been mean and neglecting. i even made it look all cute. (i'll post a picture of it when the film is developed.) so that was exciting, too! christmas stinks. Jesus is Lord.
shoot, anything for a good blog, baby.
i get confused when i'm not being communicated to. when girls are involved, i noticed that there's always something being left out. there's always some little thing that they aren't telling me, or when it comes time that i'm done with, the lack of just kills me. i'm always finding myself in the position . . wondering what is wrong, what am i doing. .is it my fault . .and of course, the question of all of em. why.
i jump to conclusions, and i am paranoid abt being alone, but getting used to it all is the hardest part of it all. . not letting go, that's all be dealt with, and behind me already. it's just that it's easier than all else these days. let go, and just make like nothing happened. you know, in the end, what if you never met the person anyways . . would you actually know what you're missing. see, jumping jumping again.
i wish i knew, but i don't, and this a diary of me. . some ppl say i'm writing and living this sad life, but i'm not. this is all a phase where i'm just confused. i'm not sure how to feel, and i'm not sure what happy is without that certain type of feeling in my life. routine is not what i want, i just want an answer to a simple question that doesn't seem so simple right now.
get it. . not really. cause i'm just some emo geek that listens to saves the day and the get up kids. sorry, but it's not me. i have to eat.
i went to my friend hailee's little christmas singing recital thing. hot stuff.. but it was weird being in my elementary school . .and not going there. my memories there are a little jaded since school fr me wasn't exactly the best of times fr me. i didn't have any friends back then, and the one good one i had, is still around. the good kids stick around, and so on. i wish i still kept in contact with some of the kids in my past, but like i just said. . it is the past.
i wish i had the answer fr my feelings, i wish i had the answer to yr questions.
last night, i talked to david (atascadero) for six hours. wow. the amazing thing is that we were talking almost the whole time. it was really nice until my mom woke up to wake mack up (yeah, we are motivated in this house...my mom runs all our lives..) and got upset. our last phone bill was 1500 dollars. i have no idea. i used my free minutes. obviously that was at&t's fault...insane this money thing. and with credit cards and internet banking and checks...money is becoming an abstract thing. stock market. now, i dont think there is some machine just holding the money and the bills fill this giant money vat, then fill another. no... money is a trap. aaah, but we're all stuck. isnt this nice.
well, i have some catching up to do.
that's not it. .i don't think. it just seems like everything i wanted in a relationship, i had. .in this dream, but i wasn't happy. i had the girl here with me, to keep me company, and everything. it seems like what i've been looking fr, but it wasn't. i wasn't happy, and it just seems like i wasn't content. what is this abt.. and what is this exactly telling me? maybe i should be off alone . .maybe it is time fr something new, and maybe it's time fr me to leave. i still haven't figured this all out yet, but i'm still gonna go on like i have been.
i'm just some kid walking around trying to find out where he's going. . trying to find out where he should be, and what he should do. i'm still trying to figure things out, and i'm still ok. i'm still ok, that's just what you always have to tell yourself.
and yes, i'm going high tech, i got a phone. don't call me, and don't stalk me kids.
im having a new years eve party at my house. bunch of kids are planning it. its going to be mayhem. i want to dance to the faint a lot. and serve lots of fruit and water.
kelly is going to cut my growing mullet today. and we're going to the store also.
patric said i was juvenile and flirtatious.
and so, i am again left with one toe nail less.
• my throat killing me (yes, it found a knife and stabbed me several times til i cried, stop breathing, and my heart gave away. it killed me, and it is doing a repetition of this.)
• staying gross and dirty and unmotivated (i get nappy too often.)
• ebay (i got vegan ballet slippers, and now i am waiting on a pair of shoes and 2 -matching- dresses. hot stuff, sugar.)
• napster
• seven clif bars
thats pretty much it. yesterday was kinda like that, too. i am glad i didn't go to that demo david went to. my veganism isn't about that. of it's not about jesusveg.com either. that is such a misleading site. peta thinks they are religious. they are. religion, don't do that kids. you'll get yourself in a whole lot of mess.
i don't like being sick, my throat burns and my head is being sucked into this screen. i've been sitting here too long, that's for sure. i found myself making bubbles inside my mouth and just having my mouth hang out waiting for something to fly in and make a nest. it was an embarassing site. good thing i had the door closed.
two weeks of no school holds a lot of potential. good thing i'm SICK now. no club love for me just quite yet. i have to read four books and practice some stuff for this musical. auditions, singing, the whole mess. good thing this is high school. this break is also gonna bring a lot of change. mikl is coming on the 29th. im afraid. not of him, but just failing as a friend. this will be a big test. but i really am glad that he is coming, we can learn how to really love. i will have to let go of a lot, but i want to learn how to love. i don't feel like i have been doing a good job. i want to be a friend. experiments in life, risks of nothing always in my case, but i am always terrified of embarrassment and rejection. or just things not working out. what does all that matter? nothing. failure keeps pushing me a little more. i am not this weak.
bring it on, folks.
we arrived after lagging with like 30 kids in lockboxes locked together. . there could have been more. they ended up all in the front entrance of the store, and with all of us, and the police there, it was almost impossible to walk through that whole area/intersection of union square. there's always gonna be a ton of police there ready to beat us up. .in my case, they just fuct me up after the fact when they put me in the police bus.. and fr three hours, i sat there cuffed . .not being able to feel my left hand. in my friend's al's case, he got choked to the point where he blacked out. yes, the police don't care. .they're just there to "do their job", meaning protecting the status quo, and the few of us that belong in the upper class system. the cop that was in the police isolation van even admitted it.
it was pretty much a success.. not too many ppl got hurt, but going into things like this, you just have to assume the risk of them putting pain holds on you. i was ok with it, and it didn't hurt too much. . until i was sitting there on the bus with purple wrists. right now, it's a little swollen, but i'll keep everyone updated. heh.
there always just needs to be ppl doing stuff like this. as my friend rick said. . in everyone revolutionary act, there was always direct action somewhere involved. whether you believe in direct action, and civil disobeidiance, that's a different story, but we're just trying to cover all the grounds. it's just like i'm not a big fan of lobbying and flyering, but sometimes, those things need to be done. i'm never gonna do the first one, but there's always other ppl that will lobby fr me. heh.
no matter how nice cops pretend to be nice sometimes, they don't mean anything to me.. still. yes, the guy in the van with us talked and sympathized with our cause. we shared ideals with him, and so on. . but, ultimately, at the end of the day, he's still the enemy with all of us. he was a nice guy, he could have roughed us up, and told us to shut up, but he didn't. it was nice and appriciated, but i just have to remember i'm not a softie fr stuff like that. .
i come home to no call from jessica, no word on if i'm gonna see her today. . and it's her birthday, i had stuff fr her. blah, it doesn't always feel too good, but this all feels so routine to me. backed out plans .. no reply. . etc. i'm used to it. this is all why i need to get away from everything.. to forget, and sometimes move on. i'm content with where i am right now, i just wish she'd call me right now. . and let me know. i feel bad. .
i came home last nite, by myself. i had a ride back, but somewhere between the "hall of justice" and the meeting space. . they left me. more money to be spent, just because i thought i had to be home today, and fr the sake of seeing !!!'s last sacto show.. which didn't go on. heh. monday will be the day fr that, but fr the other plans.. hehe.
time to eat and fulfill myself in one way or another. wait until someone calls, wait until i'm not alone today.
i feel like a disappointment because i dont have poems or photos for people to see. it's as if im useless for everyone if its not with a proof...i dont know what it is. i dont know what i am. i entertain people. performance...that is terror. im so afraid...
I WANNA KNOW ABOUT YOU.
i hate how everything is, and how i'm thrown into this mold that everyone has wanted me to fit ever since i was born. i don't want to finish college with a degree, i don't want to work all my life and have no time. i want time fr myself, i want time fr my friends, i want new visions, new sights, and new beginnings. i'm just tired of the same thing everyday. wake up, work, come home. . hang out, and repeat and over and over. i walk around making my photo deliveries the morning and i wonder if this is what i should be doing. i have aspirations of becoming a graphic designer, but i just don't want it now. it's not really understandable, and the fact that it probably even acceptable and respectable among my parents dissappoints me. yes, i should be doing what makes me happy, but it seems like that's never enough.
the anticipation of me leaving is getting to me. soon, i will pack up what i can in a backpack and just go. i have two places that i actually need to go to, but everything else will just come to me. i'm sure i'll be ok, but the small money factor is getting to me. i promised myself that i'll spend as less as possible, and that'll i'll be able to get through this all ok. leaving is what everyone else is doing, and there's just so many wide open spaces i've never seen, and have just been waiting fr me. i don't want to be alone here anymore. .come save me jessica.
the neiman marcus fur demo is tomorrow afternoon. whoa.. it's amazing to think, i was there last year. time has flew by little by little and i can just see all the changes i've went through.. fr the better, and it's great. it's good i can remember, and hopefully, it won't bring back too many bad memories.. you know, sometimes you try to leave stuff behind. you know what i mean if you've actually hung out with me long enough.
my date with lawrence, ks . . soon soon . . as fr now, goodbye. sign the guestbook someone.
i felt to alone i think i needed it. . it sucks when you try to call ppl and try to have them make yr day and make you smile, but you can't get through. yes, all these small frustrating little things that are trying to bring me down. it's okies. life is fine the way it is. at least i got it better than alot of ppl.
i want to lie down and cry, it's time to end the day.
i'm tired, and the scenario of my hair being wet is one i'm dealing with. jessica just called and said good nite, and told me to go to bed.. heh. i think it's a good idea. blog and rock. i think that should be it. . i want to make it to the post office in the morning to see if there's something there fr me.. i know they have something of mine. heh.
me and make out club . .we have something to do with something on page forty two. check it.
i cried in sixth.
i love ms. clark, she is great.
i hate being cloned.
i am a tense knot.
i feel kinda off. .but i did bad and i took two bayer tablets and took a nap. i woke the first time to my dad asking if i was sleeping, i guess i wasn't at that point. it was nice to wake up to jessica's call. i'm never usually the one being awoken, but i'm usually the boy feeling bad cause i woke the sweet girl up. you're great.
trying to get a piece of the pie. i want to tour soon . .i'll make it a thing to do soon, and i don't really doubt it at all that i won't get to it in the new year. . whether it's me and some other kid in a car with a moog and a drum kit, or some variation of my rock act . .and and. .or i mean, with some other band. i'm ready to pretty much leave anytime. . almost.
time fr bed. last day of school tomorrow.. hopefully fr a while. yes, fr you out there, i know you're probably not reading now, but, thanks fr making my day everyday, it means alot. and, sorry i'm almost double booked.
rock it dance party style. . >> > the faint
everyone is leaving to travel again soon. well, so am i. i'm excited abt seeing something other than sacramento. i want to be able to just grab jessica and take her with me, but it seems unlikely, unfortunately. it'll be fun hopefully by myself . .at least i'm having someone with me on my way there. i'm a little scared, and excited, but that just makes everything more fun.
i'm trying to finish up my final that's due on monday . . but it's getting a little hard. i'll work it out. i've been quite the procrastinator when it comes to school these days. school shouldn't control me like it does everyone else. if i get this stuff done, i do. . and if i don't, not only would i know that i tried, but it's ok. it's not the end of the world. it just worries me sometimes when parents and kids are tied down to the fact that unless you succeed in school, you're nothing. it's sick. jamie. . you read? school isn't everything. . you should always do what you want to do and what you believe in. . whether it be preaching and spreading what you believe in, or being in a rock band. don't let anything stop you.
it's time to try to get high tech.
> >playing now: the gloria record - a lull in traffic
with the moog, my idea of jumping on tour just gets better and better. i want to just go, and plan something out, but it would always be fun to go out with someone else first. we'll see what the new year has in store fr me. it already has one cross country trip, one tour, and many other stops on the way. i already gave notice at my job, and i'm not going back to school. it's abt time.
i got another package from no idea. . the second one of the same thing, so now i have two charles bronson discographys, two orchid lp's and and orchid/red scare split 7's. . the price i pay fr being honest when it comes down to ppl i like. yeah, i'm sending it back, i hope i get a thanks or something. heh. now if it was some other bigger mailorder place, it wouldn't matter too much.
i'm sick. it hurts fr me to talk.. but i still work in the day and try to take care of customers. i wish some ppl would understand that i'm there even when i'm sick, and not give me slack and try to ruin my day. some ppl. i'm over what happened today. busyness, a lame lady that really thought she needed stuff right away, then crying abt it when we're a few minutes off, and misplaced rolls of film that like playing hide and seek when their customers are waiting on them.
+we.were.romantics+
(hah, im not sure if i am allowed to use that trademark...im not in it. oh well.)
i noticed moreso when i was in sf the other nite, that i think i'm still afraid of being alone. being old and walking around bitter and lonesome. grr.. scary thought. . but i know if it happens, it does, and i probably put myself in that situation. i just want some reassurance sometimes. . a call asking you if you're ok. .or someone just showing up at yr door at nite wondering how you're doing.
timmy jones forever. .
hoping someone comes to see me. . saving the end of the week . . not just the weekend. i wish i didn't feel just remotely sick. everything starts adding on and i just start feeling worse. i'm gonna sit and hope the sweet girl calls me.
there's not really fr me to say. . i just thought i'd keep the two ppl that are paying attention an update.
whenever i'm remotely sick, i just get more bored than i do before. . and it's lame that it happens that way. i get more lonely. blah. yes, i just feel horrible, but the original plan of seeing four shows in four days has dwindled to down to two shows. .and hopefully, i can make it to the first one. grr.
so this weak really sucked. so what. this weekend im gonna get back up and take off running. i miss david. i miss david wilson, too. ok, i just wanted to let the world know im not going to kill myself, i know how ridiculous that would be. ive done too much to end it. hah...what little is "too much." everything is ridiculous.
