team rock forever.

there is a giant pile of things unsaid and misunderstood in this house. it's like a swamp. i don't think this is supposed to be my habitat. my mom isn't sure how to discipline me and my dad thought he did his part by telling us to calm down. well, this isn't a family. this isn't nice. im tired of catching up with everything because i am so behind with my emotions. i dont like mind games...rah rah rah. three weeks. san diego. that will be nice.
posted by jamie o. at 8:18 PM

i guess i an secretly back on the west coast. no one knows except fr josh.. who called me this morning when i was in bed.. funny.. no hate to anyone, but i just want to hide out with andria right now, i think that's the only fair thing to do.

catching the bus out of town, i had this i miss boston feeling. i didn't think i was gonna get it. i mean, i wasn't doing so good there.. getting bloody noses everyday and all, boston didn't like me. i miss suzanne already. she's one of the best kids i've ever met.. ever. .

this keyboard is really weird, so i'll cut this one short.. . take care kids.
posted by david star at 2:26 PM

someone needs to come rescue me. im so addicted to solitaire.
posted by jamie o. at 7:42 PM

i am leaving. . and no one in sacramento even knows yet. . i guess things haven't been working out too much and stuff.. there hasn'[t been enough places to stay.. and so on and so forth. after a week of staying in this fine town, i'm making it back home to andria, and it's gonna be nice. i cried the other day cuddling in my sleeping bag and wanting out.. that was just the day where i went sledding and all that stuff was over.. all the fun was over.

i'm gonna miss these ppl. suzanne, her roommate nicole, barton, eric from the dedication. . and all those other kids that helped warm my days a little more. i wonder how long i'm gonna be able to hang out in napa fr until i want to go home.. i bet i could do it fr at least a few nites. . i still haven't called home to tell them i'm coming home.

i miss you. i miss sacramento just a bit. it hasn't been as cold as i thought it was gonna be, and i've been writing everyday. i think it's time fr me to get off the computer and enjoy these kids since i'm leaving oh so soon.
posted by david star at 6:20 PM

i was looking at an old journal of mine and i saw how i have always been moody. here i was flooded with self-pity, shame, and regret during a very chaotic period of my life. just this august. this was one of those times where i caught my head above the water to take a BIG breath. i still feel very much the same way today. i need to live it.

"8.11.00
truth! truth! truth! truth! truth!
ooooooh, i love truth so much!

how great life would be if everyone let a flag of honesty fly high.
how great it would be if everything and everyone was translucent, nothing hidden.
oh the beauty if everyone knew God's great love, his truth! such beautiful truth!
imagining such things gives me chills, i want this to be my eternity, eternal habitat.
this dark world of lies and confusion makes the truth so white, so pure, so beautiful.
right now i close my eyes and see white, i want purity, so much purity.
i want purity so obscene, i want to glow and shine, just float.
oh my...Jesus is so beautiful.
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus....such beauty.

oooh, i want the world to understand this, understand know feel live experience.
eternity....oh eternity is so long. let it be beautiful."

thank you ryan for being my buddy.
posted by jamie o. at 1:01 AM

dear david called today. i haven't heard his voice in such a long time...it changed. it's sinking in how much i miss him. i miss people. (you too david wilson.)
posted by jamie o. at 8:25 PM

well, mikl and his girlfriend just left. after my hour long fun time, i have a headache. screaming is not a great way to reason, but it all made a lot of sense to me. my eyes are red and crusted, but they see clearly and fine. i understand a lot more about this whole "mikl staying at jamie's house" fiasco now. i am glad he came out and said that we clash too much. now i dont think we'll humor each other so much by talking to each other. just an hour ago i was doubting my life and denying it was worth anything, but now i appreciate how things happen completely opposite to what i ever expected or imagined. now its time for me to grow up and do what i need to do take care of jamie. i might be a little more important than i think sometimes...
posted by jamie o. at 1:12 PM

rah! my dear david is gone and i dont feel a thing! i am so sorry! eck. im so numb after everything that has happened over so little time. i have been learning that time doesn't last long and life is what you make of it. lately i've been wasting a lot of time and not doing much with my life. (obvious lessons, but things that must be lived through to actually learn...) i've tattered friendships with this and especially my mind. i dislike myself to a point near suicide (yes, i do know that the thought is even the most ridiculous thing ever, but that's just to show how scrambled and hazed everything has been lately...). now mikl is leaving and it's just a big,"well, screw that!" situation because he has his ideas and i know mine and it's a huge mess because we're both so different and we both use that as prejudices....i can't even talk to him but i am sooooooo very angry. i told him i would write him a letter when i tried talking to him....i give up so easily. that is how i waste time. i give up. and that's going to show tomorrow night. eck! eck! eck! someone reach out! im lonely!

"to all the rockers that lost the beat...you are loved! you are loved!"
posted by jamie o. at 11:46 PM

[i am not davy star. im his special friend. hes leaving me tomorrow morning. hes going away for two.and.a.half stupid weeks. im not really sure whats going to fill up my time. i cant even really remember what i did before i met him...even if i did just barely met him. i get to start school tomorrow. i am hoping that school thoughts will block out all of the "i miss davy" thoughts. yeah. bummed. i guess i wont be driving so much. my contribution to healing the planet is only when my boyfriend goes to boston. *shrug* he is getting ready to go right now. hes trying to shove his sleeping bag into his big pack. its bigger than he is. he tried to feed me shitty vegan food. lemonheads. sick. mmm i only have an hour left until my curfew. i have to spend it crying. goodbye. xoxox. andria.]
posted by david star at 6:59 PM

i don't want to say goodbye to you, i just don't, but this is just a trip. . a field trip that has been in waiting fr a while. . i need this time, but i just wish i could take you with me. i'm sorry. . it's not cause i don't love you, or because there's something wrong, there isn't at all. . i'm just tired of seeing the same things here.. the same people, the same problems. thanks fr coming along and making my everything so great and amazing, day after day.

i packed my pack full of stuff. . waiting on my sleeping bag, and a goodbye kiss. .even tho i'm not supposed to be kissing. .you're worth it. everything's coming up so fast, and i'm scared. . i should be more excited, but i'm just still coping with the fact that i'm actually leaving someone behind.

i said goodbye to my friends yesterday.. easily, it was all at once, but i walked away from there sad. . with andria in hand, but i felt what was coming. . i'm trying to contain myself, but i know this is all gonna hit me all at once, and that's probably gonna hurt the most.

i love you. and jamie. . i love you too, and please don't forget abt yr team rock friend.. i'll miss you. i miss you.
posted by david star at 1:57 PM

i feel forgotten by everyone.
the myth is true.
posted by jamie o. at 9:10 PM

my lips hurt so i can't make out fr ten days.
posted by david star at 4:48 PM

maybe i'll be alright. i'll have a place to stay, and it'll be fine. i won't be cold and all that stuff. i've convinced myself that things will be ok when i leave. . the length of this trip is the same as the summer one.. and i did ok there, but it wasn't so cold, was it? 4 days left.. in 4 days, i'll be away.

i'm supposed to be going on tour when i come back, but i'm not so sure i want to anymore. it's already hard fr me to leave andria at this point.. i'm not sure if i want to go away again. i want to just be with her . .i'm not exactly sure what i want to do, but i'm just sure i want her with me. how fast do things change? how quickly does my life change?

my zine is done.. 40 pages.. double what i thought it would be, and i would like it even a little bigger.. but this is fr her. .this is fr all those kids that are waiting.. it's fr myself. it's something so i know i still got it in me, and i still do actually like to write. there's always so much to be said sometimes, but i just can't convey it. . and that hurts. . but i'm trying.

weekend with andria in store. yes. . lets rock this the right way.. together.
posted by david star at 10:08 AM

AAAAAH! MY HEAD IS PUMPING AND THE BLOOD IS COMING OUT!
...AND MY EYES! THEY ARE ROLLING ON MY FACE!!!
posted by jamie o. at 9:34 PM

"you don't look good. like, you look unhealthy."

today my mother and i go rear-ended for the third time on that big hill with that big school in san jose. on average, we get rear-ended once every month and a half in san jose by a teenage boy. oh i feel alone. the time i spend at that big school on that big hill...is a lot. waking up at five thirty to get home at seven thirty or later to fall asleep three hours or so before i wake up is not a fun race i run. then there are so many other responsibilities i hold to myself...im ridiculous. so, i feel alone. it's just me, inside myself, and i. i get lonely because i dont even talk to myself anymore...and i lost all senses and consciousness, and ohhh, my father. when was the last time i prayed? why do i keep pouring myself out? this is the most tired i have ever been i think. every time i blink, my eyes water. i look like crap. im sore all over. i complain like heck (to myself and you).

summary: finals. hair trim. tired. sick. ehh.
posted by jamie o. at 8:16 PM

just last night i was feeling so high high high, and now i wouldnt mind if i felt a barrel trace my skull.

i am tired.
posted by jamie o. at 7:22 PM

i am always feeling tired. and i get sick easily. and cold and annoyed easily. my brain is very sensitive and prone to ache frequently. eck...just running circles, baby. and the circles under my eyes are running darker, sugar.

mikl started his job at blockbuster today. that makes me happy and relieved. // shauna made me sick so i stole her mates of state cd. // i dont have much to say right now because i dont like people seeing my life unravel. its embarassing.

song: mates of state: la'hov
posted by jamie o. at 11:42 AM

i'm tired of my mom talking to me abt work. working when i come back from the east coast. all these plans and so on. i don't want to think long term, i can't think long term right now. i know what i want to do, but i'm just not ready to dive into it now. design will be waiting fr me, and while i'm not fast enough to jump in right now.. it's cause i don't want to. it angers me days on end.

i can't believe my parents can just make me so angry in such a short amount of time.. it was a matter of seconds. it'll be ok in a moment, but i just try to avoid this always. i'll sit here and listen to all the music i got this weekend with andria. crazy amounts.. free seven inches from a girl at amoeba records in berkeley. she liked my hair, and she liked andria too. heh. that was great. . then getting 80's here in sacto and stocking on on my new wave collection,

someone just called, and i didn't know it. rocking out to just nothing but my music and trying to block everything out. things are great, but j just would like the option to do nothing.
posted by david star at 10:47 AM

today was gray.

i woke up late in my messy room, then my mom got angry with me because my dog scared her and because i was tired. then i had to call off david coming because of that. then mikl and i walked to unamas and got good eatin'. the fun thing is, i have three packages to make. i dont need to study for finals, i have love to give. my life hurts my head a lot right now.

thank you friends like shauna, david, mikl, zachary, and rob, you help me not feel so rotten.
posted by jamie o. at 8:43 PM

sitting in a bookstore behind a counter at a bookstore. weird. i don't even work here, but it always makes me feel special to stand behind something like this. the counter thing is just like how i tabled fr shows a few times, but in that situation, ppl get scared and don't talk to you. those scenesters.. i don't know abt them. heh. actually, shows these days, i don't know.

i'm chilling in napa, ca. . with sweet andria. supposed to see jamie o. today, but it fell through, which kinda sucks. i miss that jamie.. i'm leaving in a week and a half, and i know fr sure i won't see her before i leave, so that makes me want to cry. grr. yes, i'll say it again, i miss jamie o. . but i do got, well, andria has mikl's scarf, and we have her gloves, so. hah. . there you go jamie. heh.

i feel like i need to be helping someone out, but i just sit here and act important. . it's like the cell phone thing. i have myself convinced. fun. this napa trip has been pretty good. well, seeing andria in general is always good. i know i'm not gonna be able to see her when i'm gone, so it kinda hurts a little. . realizing that sharing all these good times does mean alot to me. meaning more than i can actually explain.

on the phone with jamie. . rock and roll..bye.
posted by david star at 7:29 PM

slick move the day: i leaned over to kiss andria before i started up her car, and while i moved my arm, or tried to move it anyways, i turned on the windshield wipers. tomorrow is my last day at work. . i got new portraits of me.. making me think i should become a model. .and no party fr me tomorrow at the coffee shop cause sweet josh isn't working. the bosses are looming, and we know where the hidden camera is.

i'm spending the weekend with her. the week or so before i leave.. it's coming close. . and i still haven't felt the pain yet.. i don't feel anything. the i miss you feelings are coming, along with the anticipation. . i wonder. nite. i might as well sleep early.
posted by david star at 10:18 PM

last night there was an audition slot at a high school in san jose waiting for me. i waited two hours plus prior to this slot. being the unprepared bird i am, i took a wire brush to my nerves and was shaking once my name was called. i dont do this like this. i dont audition for plays. i never took a drama class, never had been in choir, most experience had been with dance, one line in a seventh grade play, and the obvious: everyday life. but this is nonsense. this is not a resume. well, once i walked to the middle of the stage and pulled up the chair --that would very well be an execution chair-- i tensed up a little more (pulling whatever nerves not already worn and tired closer than before). i messed up on the monologue i hadnt took time with and then i broke down and began to cry. now what is that?!? crying?! at an audition?!? "very professional, jamie. nice job." is what i thought. but the clencher of it all is this: i am not a professional at this! so i am not that disappointed in myself as much as you would expect. anyway, i ended up ruining my voice making it as unattractive as i could for any possibility for me to sing (probably benefitted me in the end) and then did a bit more better on my monologue than i had been practicing outside on-off for the hours previous. later, one of the directors that was watching my awful parade came in the changing room as i waiting for dance practice and said to me,"you have no reason to worry, especially if you knew what i knew." now that...that, my friends, that...that really played with my mind for quite sometime.

today. today my mom woke me up and then let me sleep in....which turned into me not going to school. so!!!! i havent seen the call-back sheet...now i am just nervous-nervous-nervous....til 5:55p i wont know what's going on. things. are. crazy.

i need to sleep...people need to stop planning my minutes.
posted by jamie o. at 2:52 PM

this crashed when i posted yesterday. i was excited to tell my exciting story abt fighting the storm of yesterday. delivering some photos to another lab to get them done, and not only going out there with my heart in getting it done, but risking my life. it's days like that when you think abt where you are and what you're worth. what means something to you, and etc. i was scared. . riding down one of the busiest streets downtown, and being literally blown into the barricades of a construction site with cars to yr right, and behind you. what could i have done. . pedaled harder. i was almost caught to a halt. . i couldn't move.

rain started going down my face, hitting my eyes. i couldn't see. . i thought i should ride the bus there. . but it was only a mile away in this weather. but that was it, i had to get it done, and how am i supposed to become a bike messenger without getting used to all this. in the end i got it done, and andria picked me up from work.
then later i realized that i was exaggerating abt the wind. . the 30 to 40 mph wind gusts were real. . and at that time, besides the task, all i could think abt was her.
posted by david star at 9:09 AM

the day started at the domes on the ucd campus with me waking up at 5:30 in the morning.. trying to race to court in the early morning, just to get there to be turned away. nothing is gonna happen, and it was all a waste of time, besides the hanging out in the car, and the food we got a rainbow grocery. they were charging us fr the stuff we did at the neiman marcus demo. . not moving when they told us to, and just protesting when we weren't supposed to. no big words to explain this all with, i'm still a little tired.. .sleep should come in a bit.

i guess according to the first lady i talked to today at the hall of justice, i am mistaken fr another guy by the same name in sf. . at a 733 6th ave. heh. and i drive an isuzu. fun. i didn't know i lived down that close downtown in sf. . heh.

me and timmy rocked the capitol garage like no grind kids from here can. . scaring away the worse of them all. . screaming our hearts out, and uniting back again, before one of us leaves town and goes away to see more of the world. i'm glad timmy is back fr now, and it's sad fr me to see kids like him go like that. i love the boy, and i wish i could just be with him more often, and rock more. so sad.

andria is coming to help me with food not bombs tomorrow. yes, this is gonna be good, and of course, it's nothing like the girl coming to see you when you have nothing better to think abt. . hah. i'm just tired, let me go.

posted by david star at 11:40 PM

i told andria this morning i was feeling brutal and i put on the new orchid 10" i got the other day. heh. dressed in a pink sweatshirt, i'm ready to tackle the wonders of waking up and going to work, but instead of the normal workday, i got an hour and a half before i have to be there. goal fr today, get the locust pictures developed. it's gonna be fun, and hopefully, i'll come out of today with something.

i called her this morning at work just to tell her i missed her. i haven't felt that feeling in a while. i was lying in a bed with a smile on my face that seemed to be there from just the past few days. . one that has been constantly there throughout the whole weekend. it has been nice, i've been telling myself that, and feeling the same thing. why, when i come out with seeing and having so much fun sometimes with ppl, i want to seclude myself fr a little while, that's the new question.. it's quite ok tho, it works out and balances evenly.

i have to make those giant 120 mixtapes fr myself, or at least finish soon. . i'm leaving in two weeks!! i can't believe it. boy. oh. boy.
posted by david star at 9:39 AM

last night at gilman david and i saw a blogger logo and we thought it was the best thing. (it really wasnt the best thing at all, just a moment of excitement, because -you know- david and i do this blog thing...) i got to meet some of david's friends, they were all great...it's going to be fun sharing andria with him. ooo. today i have to memorize a monologue. i am doing this one so far, but i would much rather do that one, i'll just have to clean it up a bit. well, i have to find sheet music for "part of that world" from the little mermaid..but i have no idea. i searched too much and my brain hurts and i need to learn this monologue and do tae bo still. rah rah rah.
posted by jamie o. at 4:01 PM

this all goes back a little more than a year when this girl lauren got me into the diaryland thing. i can't believe i almost got a year's full of stuff on that thing. anyways, that's there if you really want to poke back that far, it is kinda scary tho i would have to say.

posted by david star at 9:48 AM

i almost quit my job cause i felt like throwing a chair at the manager fr yelling. . but that hasn't happened since sixth grade. .
posted by david star at 10:49 PM

so here we are, january fifth, two-thousand-one. mikl is here, we are almost settled. i am not sure how i am handling this, and how i will. so far i think i have made things not worth while. i dont think i got rid of that "silent depression" yet. or maybe i just am "moody." i dont know. mikl says he wants to learn as much as possible before he dies, i told him i used to think like that. but i say 'i dont know' too much to try. there are way too many things to learn about see touch smell grab say, i just want to know enough to do what God wants me to do. i feel like such a hypocrite just to say his name right now. ugh, i hate hypocrites, liars, cheats. i hate too much. everyone is a hypocrite, liar, cheat just the same. but anyway, wow, i havent talked to david in a while and now he has a girlfriend! from make out club! i think that docks him some points or something? tomorrow i am going to the locust show and there is going to be a riot. how do i know this? because i am going to start it.
posted by jamie o. at 10:45 PM

new server at blogger. but it's weird that i never give money to anyone really, but i'll give a little to keep this running smoothly, and to help cool kids out. and the question besides why am i sick still . .is, why does jamie get all the moc ho's? that's not cool . . but whatever.
posted by david star at 10:42 PM

give give give.. so i can rock this the right way.
posted by david star at 5:23 PM

it's abt time this is working rite, but after a long day, this better be .. one of the only things around i can look up to. blah. so, work is being not nice to me. . i almost walked out today without coming back, and seeing how i had a week left, i decided not to. arrogant manager that thinks he's always the one who knows what to do and the one that is always rite. see, it's weird cause i liked the guy, and i always gave him a chance, besides the fact that he's yelled at me, but this is it. .you know? you can only take that much. . and it's just ridiculous. i don't deserve being yelled at.

it's been a up and down week. . with food poisoning on the down end of it. what a good way to start off the first week of the year. it's been actually ok. . i'm leaving my job next week, which will be nice, and then recording hopefully (if i feel better. . this sick thing is silly), then the east coast. yeah, so east coast kids.. look out fr me rocking over there on the 23rd. hopefully, if there's any kids around boston and nyc who want to hang out and show me around. . let me know, please.

i'll post later. rock.
posted by david star at 5:17 PM