Wednesday, December 20, 2000
i'm tired and lonesome tonite, but not only that, no one has been calling. . i'm expecting too much ppl these days, and i shouldn't really expect anything sometimes. i'm not motivated at the right times, and i'm boring myself.. or that's what it seems like i'm doing. i hate feeling like i'm just a lump and i don't like the fact that i'm not wanting to do this, and not wanting to do that.. all i want to do is sleep and cuddle. . . and hang out with kids. well, i'm sure there's more. . hopefully. i went to my friend hailee's little christmas singing recital thing. hot stuff.. but it was weird being in my elementary school . .and not going there. my memories there are a little jaded since school fr me wasn't exactly the best of times fr me. i didn't have any friends back then, and the one good one i had, is still around. the good kids stick around, and so on. i wish i still kept in contact with some of the kids in my past, but like i just said. . it is the past. i wish i had the answer fr my feelings, i wish i had the answer to yr questions. Tuesday, December 19, 2000
oh man, im still sick. this is not fun. i was supposed to see the sad bjork movie with kelly dearest. instead i did tae bo and i feel worse. ack. i should take a shower...i havent taken one in a long time. mack just finished his forty minute shower. geeze. (waiting for hot water.) so i am awful and didnt send anything i was supposed to send out -- yesterday. its not nice. i am mean. dangit. last night, i talked to david (atascadero) for six hours. wow. the amazing thing is that we were talking almost the whole time. it was really nice until my mom woke up to wake mack up (yeah, we are motivated in this house...my mom runs all our lives..) and got upset. our last phone bill was 1500 dollars. i have no idea. i used my free minutes. obviously that was at&t's fault...insane this money thing. and with credit cards and internet banking and checks...money is becoming an abstract thing. stock market. now, i dont think there is some machine just holding the money and the bills fill this giant money vat, then fill another. no... money is a trap. aaah, but we're all stuck. isnt this nice. well, i have some catching up to do. Monday, December 18, 2000
only in dreams sometimes do i figure out the truth. am i afraid of being in a relationship, or am i just supposed to be cautious abt this all? i'm always feeling like i'm getting myself in too deep. i shouldn't be in the situation where i'm always the one being hurt and left to find out what's going on, but i am. i'm always the one to be let down, and i'm always ok, and i still get up. that's not it. .i don't think. it just seems like everything i wanted in a relationship, i had. .in this dream, but i wasn't happy. i had the girl here with me, to keep me company, and everything. it seems like what i've been looking fr, but it wasn't. i wasn't happy, and it just seems like i wasn't content. what is this abt.. and what is this exactly telling me? maybe i should be off alone . .maybe it is time fr something new, and maybe it's time fr me to leave. i still haven't figured this all out yet, but i'm still gonna go on like i have been. i'm just some kid walking around trying to find out where he's going. . trying to find out where he should be, and what he should do. i'm still trying to figure things out, and i'm still ok. i'm still ok, that's just what you always have to tell yourself. and yes, i'm going high tech, i got a phone. don't call me, and don't stalk me kids.
i am angry. i was outbid on ebay. kill joe-vee-ten. kill clones. i got outbid with two seconds. i was so nervous i picked off my toenail. im having a new years eve party at my house. bunch of kids are planning it. its going to be mayhem. i want to dance to the faint a lot. and serve lots of fruit and water. kelly is going to cut my growing mullet today. and we're going to the store also. patric said i was juvenile and flirtatious. and so, i am again left with one toe nail less. Sunday, December 17, 2000
wow, there is a lot of internet out there. today consisted of: • my throat killing me (yes, it found a knife and stabbed me several times til i cried, stop breathing, and my heart gave away. it killed me, and it is doing a repetition of this.) thats pretty much it. yesterday was kinda like that, too. i am glad i didn't go to that demo david went to. my veganism isn't about that. of it's not about jesusveg.com either. that is such a misleading site. peta thinks they are religious. they are. religion, don't do that kids. you'll get yourself in a whole lot of mess. i don't like being sick, my throat burns and my head is being sucked into this screen. i've been sitting here too long, that's for sure. i found myself making bubbles inside my mouth and just having my mouth hang out waiting for something to fly in and make a nest. it was an embarassing site. good thing i had the door closed. two weeks of no school holds a lot of potential. good thing i'm SICK now. no club love for me just quite yet. i have to read four books and practice some stuff for this musical. auditions, singing, the whole mess. good thing this is high school. this break is also gonna bring a lot of change. mikl is coming on the 29th. im afraid. not of him, but just failing as a friend. this will be a big test. but i really am glad that he is coming, we can learn how to really love. i will have to let go of a lot, but i want to learn how to love. i don't feel like i have been doing a good job. i want to be a friend. experiments in life, risks of nothing always in my case, but i am always terrified of embarrassment and rejection. or just things not working out. what does all that matter? nothing. failure keeps pushing me a little more. i am not this weak. bring it on, folks.
ouch. i spent the majority of my saturday being detained by the police and sitting in one form of pattywagon or another. this weekend is the big weekend of the neiman marcus fur demos in sf.. i happened to participate in one of the two, and i sat down with the rest of the ppl.. blocking the entrance and causing trouble. those cops know what's up. every week, there's activists there protesting, and they were just almost prepared fr us. we arrived after lagging with like 30 kids in lockboxes locked together. . there could have been more. they ended up all in the front entrance of the store, and with all of us, and the police there, it was almost impossible to walk through that whole area/intersection of union square. there's always gonna be a ton of police there ready to beat us up. .in my case, they just fuct me up after the fact when they put me in the police bus.. and fr three hours, i sat there cuffed . .not being able to feel my left hand. in my friend's al's case, he got choked to the point where he blacked out. yes, the police don't care. .they're just there to "do their job", meaning protecting the status quo, and the few of us that belong in the upper class system. the cop that was in the police isolation van even admitted it. it was pretty much a success.. not too many ppl got hurt, but going into things like this, you just have to assume the risk of them putting pain holds on you. i was ok with it, and it didn't hurt too much. . until i was sitting there on the bus with purple wrists. right now, it's a little swollen, but i'll keep everyone updated. heh. there always just needs to be ppl doing stuff like this. as my friend rick said. . in everyone revolutionary act, there was always direct action somewhere involved. whether you believe in direct action, and civil disobeidiance, that's a different story, but we're just trying to cover all the grounds. it's just like i'm not a big fan of lobbying and flyering, but sometimes, those things need to be done. i'm never gonna do the first one, but there's always other ppl that will lobby fr me. heh. no matter how nice cops pretend to be nice sometimes, they don't mean anything to me.. still. yes, the guy in the van with us talked and sympathized with our cause. we shared ideals with him, and so on. . but, ultimately, at the end of the day, he's still the enemy with all of us. he was a nice guy, he could have roughed us up, and told us to shut up, but he didn't. it was nice and appriciated, but i just have to remember i'm not a softie fr stuff like that. . i come home to no call from jessica, no word on if i'm gonna see her today. . and it's her birthday, i had stuff fr her. blah, it doesn't always feel too good, but this all feels so routine to me. backed out plans .. no reply. . etc. i'm used to it. this is all why i need to get away from everything.. to forget, and sometimes move on. i'm content with where i am right now, i just wish she'd call me right now. . and let me know. i feel bad. . i came home last nite, by myself. i had a ride back, but somewhere between the "hall of justice" and the meeting space. . they left me. more money to be spent, just because i thought i had to be home today, and fr the sake of seeing !!!'s last sacto show.. which didn't go on. heh. monday will be the day fr that, but fr the other plans.. hehe. time to eat and fulfill myself in one way or another. wait until someone calls, wait until i'm not alone today. Friday, December 15, 2000
i dont feel like words right now. i just want movement & beats. i feel like a disappointment because i dont have poems or photos for people to see. it's as if im useless for everyone if its not with a proof...i dont know what it is. i dont know what i am. i entertain people. performance...that is terror. im so afraid... I WANNA KNOW ABOUT YOU.
i'm tired of thinking abt my future, and thinking abt it all the time. school and just how things are set up fr kids are just like this. what am i gonna do? am i gonna grow up to hold a good high paying job, with a family and a house. you know what, that doesn't matter to me right now.. and i doubt it'll ever matter. i look at my paycheck sometimes and just see that i don't get paid much. . i'm doing something that is actually enjoying, and sometimes better than just sitting at home doing nothing. i don't get paid too much, but i don't care. i do wish i get paid a little more sometimes, but money just doesn't mean much to me. i hate how everything is, and how i'm thrown into this mold that everyone has wanted me to fit ever since i was born. i don't want to finish college with a degree, i don't want to work all my life and have no time. i want time fr myself, i want time fr my friends, i want new visions, new sights, and new beginnings. i'm just tired of the same thing everyday. wake up, work, come home. . hang out, and repeat and over and over. i walk around making my photo deliveries the morning and i wonder if this is what i should be doing. i have aspirations of becoming a graphic designer, but i just don't want it now. it's not really understandable, and the fact that it probably even acceptable and respectable among my parents dissappoints me. yes, i should be doing what makes me happy, but it seems like that's never enough. the anticipation of me leaving is getting to me. soon, i will pack up what i can in a backpack and just go. i have two places that i actually need to go to, but everything else will just come to me. i'm sure i'll be ok, but the small money factor is getting to me. i promised myself that i'll spend as less as possible, and that'll i'll be able to get through this all ok. leaving is what everyone else is doing, and there's just so many wide open spaces i've never seen, and have just been waiting fr me. i don't want to be alone here anymore. .come save me jessica. the neiman marcus fur demo is tomorrow afternoon. whoa.. it's amazing to think, i was there last year. time has flew by little by little and i can just see all the changes i've went through.. fr the better, and it's great. it's good i can remember, and hopefully, it won't bring back too many bad memories.. you know, sometimes you try to leave stuff behind. you know what i mean if you've actually hung out with me long enough. my date with lawrence, ks . . soon soon . . as fr now, goodbye. sign the guestbook someone. Thursday, December 14, 2000
zip left after spending a few days here with me. sad. i'm a depressed kid. .and i feel gross. i went to the mall earlier to visit my friend jon who works there, and i got stuck there fr an hour cause i had to way of getting home.. not enough money to ride the bus, and an expired ticket. i wanted to die. i felt to alone i think i needed it. . it sucks when you try to call ppl and try to have them make yr day and make you smile, but you can't get through. yes, all these small frustrating little things that are trying to bring me down. it's okies. life is fine the way it is. at least i got it better than alot of ppl. i want to lie down and cry, it's time to end the day. Wednesday, December 13, 2000
rocking out to reggie, seeing you through me, playing with fire, seeing best friends, eating vegan goods, and walking around in the cold. . that's the past two days summed up. yes, my best friend zip is in town and we're ready to invade yr living room and eat yr vegan goodies. heh. . i don't really feel like such a good host with all this work stuff . . it's been great. i'm tired, and the scenario of my hair being wet is one i'm dealing with. jessica just called and said good nite, and told me to go to bed.. heh. i think it's a good idea. blog and rock. i think that should be it. . i want to make it to the post office in the morning to see if there's something there fr me.. i know they have something of mine. heh. me and make out club . .we have something to do with something on page forty two. check it. |
